So, your Ex has moved on to a new girlfriend. How do you even begin to get him back when he’s dating someone new? Well, that’s exactly what we are going to talk about today.
The method I want to teach you today is one that I taught to a client last year and the results she saw were pretty incredible.
Let’s get started!
Step #1: Implementing A No Contact Rule
You’ll find that almost every strategy that we teach starts with the No Contact Rule.
For those of you who aren’t “in the know,”
The No Contact Rule is a predetermined period of time where you cut off all communication with your Ex Boyfriend on purpose.
Now, if you read my massive article about No Contact you’ll notice that I’m very specific on the length of time you should be doing it.
I’ve seen the best results with clients who’ve implemented the following three timelines.
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
Here’s where the rubber meets the road.
Let’s address the question that is probably crossing your mind right about now.
What about me?
How long should someone whose Ex has a new girlfriend be using the No Contact Rule?
Common sense dictates that it should be a 21 Day Rule, right?
I certainly used to think so back in the day but after coaching with multiple people I actually found the opposite is true.
In situations where your Ex has moved on, No Contact should be longer in order to be effective.
This is why I now recommend a 45 Day Rule for clients in this situation.
Why should you let your Ex and this new girl have more time to establish their relationship?
The Honeymoon Period Factor
If you’re not familiar with what the Honeymoon Period is then allow me to give you a quick crash course.
The Honeymoon Period is a period of time where a relationship feels fresh and exciting, during which the couple experiences many firsts together and are excited to learn new things about each other.
So much of your chances of winning your Ex back from the new girl comes down to timing.
Most of the women I work with make the mistake of trying to get their Exes back when their Ex is in the midst of a Honeymoon Period with their new relationship.
And believe me it is a mistake. When he is in the Honeymoon Period, it is the absolute worst time to attempt anything because you will be looked at as an annoying pest, a GNAT even.
I’ll tell you a story.
I was once on a date with a girlfriend when one of my Exes tried texting me.
My reaction wasn’t one of joy.
It wasn’t even one of anger.
It was one of annoyance.
My actual thought process what this:
“Why is she texting me? Doesn’t she get that we are over? I’ve got a new girl better than she ever was.”
Looking back on the experience, I can’t help but wonder what my reaction would have been had she texted me when I wasn’t in the midst of a Honeymoon Period.
My reaction would have probably been a lot more positive.
This concept of timing is what informed my decision to lengthen the No Contact Rule for situations where your Ex has a new relationship to 45 days.
The reason behind this is to allow for enough time to pass so your Ex is coming down off the Honeymoon Period with the new girl when you initiate contact.
It’s best to think of the Honeymoon Period as a kind of trajectory.
A trajectory that doesn’t have any lows.
Most women try to get their exes back somewhere in here, when the relationship is new and exciting still.
They don’t have the patience to wait until that trajectory starts its downward movement and he’s begun to lose interest.
But this brings up an interesting question.
How long will your Ex’s typical honeymoon period last. I know you are thing that it surely won’t be 45 days?
How Long You Should Expect Your Exes Honeymoon Period With The New Girl To Last
If you do research like I have, you will find that a general consensus on how long a Honeymoon Period tends to last. It can be anywhere from six months to one year.
But I’d like to point out that, generally speaking, my clients are trying to get an Ex back who is on the rebound.
This means that the Honeymoon Periods that I am typically dealing with are much shorter.
Because of that most of my clients are dealing with Honeymoon Periods that are lasting from one month to three months.
And for the record, I didn’t just pick a random number when I set up the 45 Day No Contact Rule.
In fact, if you listen to this interview with a former Client you’ll understand exactly how I came up with 45 days and how it leads to success.
Of course, I know most of you won’t have time listen to that interview. We’re all busy people. So I’ll give you the quick synopsis of how the idea came about.
The woman, my client, was trying to get her Ex back.
Her Ex had broken up with her and immediately moved in with a new girl.
Eventually, she stumbled across one of the ExRecovery websites and started implementing the strategies.
She started out with the 21 Day No Contact Rule. After she’d successfully made it through the 21 days she came to realize that her Ex and the new girl were still going strong.
That’s when I recommended she try a second No Contact Rule and together we made a groundbreaking discovery.
All in all she spent close to 45 days in No Contact. 45 Days is the longest No Contact we prescribe. We occasionally refer to it as an Extended No Contact. When it was all said and done, enough of her Ex’s Honeymoon Period with his new girlfriend had passed that the connection between them had was deteriorated. Communicating with him became easier for my client. This was because he wasn’t blinded by the Honeymoon Period anymore. he was past it.
Step #2: Adopting The Being There Mindset
Here is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. By that I mean it’s time to put in the work.
What I am about to explain to you is a bit morally grey. In fact, I’ve had actual clients disagree with me on moral ground in regards to this tactic.
However, my take on it has always been very scientific.
The desired result is to get your Ex back. I show you how to do that.
It isn’t my job to debate the morality of a topic with you. I simply provide you with the means to get your Ex back.
And this one strategy works better than anything I’ve ever encountered before.
I call it the Being There Method.
Here’s how it works.
The Being There Method is something you apply only after your Extended No Contact is complete. Once you’ve gotten through No Contact you will slowly and methodically insert yourself into your Ex’s life. Essentially, you Friend Zone yourself on purpose.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term Friend Zone, I’ll break it down for you.
Friend Zoning is the act of denying someone romantic attention.
The intent here is to become enough of a presence in your Ex’s life that the new girlfriend begins to feel threatened and ends up letting her paranoia take over, sabotages her own relationship.
Sounds weird, right?
I thought so too at first. However, after seeing the results, I am a believer.
The Being There Method preys on one simple concept. Let me explain further, but first let me introduce one simple question.
What Woman Is Actually Ok With Her Boyfriend Being Friends With His Ex?
I’m always a bit annoyed about how society has shifted into being politically correct. It seems like we have to avoid offending someone with every single word we say and every post we make.
Look, anytime something important is said it is bound to offend at least one person.
So, here’s my “offensive” take on the Being There.
It’s offensive because I am going to make a slight generalization when I say “most women.” But I want to be clear. I know that not all women are the same. However, basic human nature says that anyone would be uncomfortable if they were put in that situation.
Most women are NOT ok with their Boyfriends being friends with their Exes.
It’s true even when they say they are fine.
And maybe at first they really are. Maybe they even believe they really are.
However, the more consistent their Boyfriend’s communication with you becomes… the more threatened they will feel.
Now, I can almost hear some of you wondering about Breakups where Exes share custody of children.
Even in situations involving shared custody, that discomfort would likely still exist between you, the Ex, and this other woman. Sometimes even more than you’d expect. After all, their Boyfriend created a living breathing person with you.
It’s a connection that can’t be severed for the rest of your life.
How can they ever compare to that level of attachment?
The Being There Method simply plays on her insecurity and amplifies it to your benefit.
Step #3: Implementing The “Being There” Method
So, how are we supposed to implement the Being There Method, especially after No Contact?
Well, most of the clients I work with make the mistake of going in for “the kill” far too early. Meaning they get too familiar too fast, as if they weren’t just denying their Ex access for 45 days.
They come straight out of No Contact texting their Ex something like this.
This approach is wrong for a few very specific reasons.
1. It’s too much, too soon.
2. Your Ex still has a new girlfriend and this type of texting sets you up to be the bad guy.
It’s that last concept that I need to teach you about before you go any further.
Nothing brings two people together like a common enemy. So, if you play your hand wrong with your Ex while he’s in a new relationship you’ll only end up uniting him and his current girlfriend against you.
Instead, I want you to think of communication with your Ex in the following way.
It’s a competition between you and the new girl. Whoever your Ex spends more time talking to will be the eventual winner. But you can’t force it.
Let me say this again in case you weren’t listening.
You. Cannot. Force. This.
Now, a true expert at the Being There Method will methodically turn the tide in their favor without drawing attention to the fact that they are doing so.
However, it’s not enough to just focus on holding a monopoly on conversation time.
Yes, that is very important but not all conversations are created equal.
I’ll give you an example.
What is more impactful for creating a connection?
One hour of small talk with your Ex?
Half an hour of memorable conversation with your Ex?
Definitely the memorable half hour, right?
Here’s my point.
What you talk about is almost as important as, if not MORE important than, how long you talk about it.
This is the true beauty of the Being There Method.
If you do it right you’ll start to notice that your Ex will open up to you about things he doesn’t talk to the her about yet. You have the advantage of having an established relationship with him.
That’s your cue that it’s working extremely well.
Okay, I Get It… But How Do I Actually Implement It?
I know a lot of you probably want or expect, me to give you all of the answers right here and now but this whole process is so complex that just handing you all of the answers kind of impossible. In fact, I’ve found that most clients simply choose the parts of the process they think will work and pay no mind to the rest of it.
Here’s a big tip though.
If you’re really committed to getting your Ex Boyfriend back you can’t just stop with this one article and expect it to answer all of your questions.
I need you to read as many articles on this website that you can get your hands on.
You’ll find little gems like this graphic:
This is what I call the “Value Ladder” and it explains the basic understanding I’ve found to be necessary in every situation.
The idea is actually quite simple.
With each step or tactic you implement you create more value and bring yourself closer to what you’re aiming for, reconnecting with your Ex.
A big part of building value has to do with conversations.
In the graphic I’ve literally broken down the types of the conversations you need to be having with your Ex after the No Contact Rule.
As you can see I’ve divided conversations up into a few different categories:
- Small Talk
- Telling Stories
- Sharing Opinions
- Virgin Territory
- Sharing Feelings
The premise here is pretty basic.
You can move on to another category only after you conquered the previous category.
Note that talking about your feelings is at the bottom. I cannot stress this enough. DO NOT spill your feelings to your Ex before you’ve built up the rapport that the other conversations help build. You have to do them step by step.
Now, there is one important distinction you need to make. Your situation is a little different than the average one.
You can’t have conversations about your feelings with your Ex while he is in a relationship. Again, you’ll end up setting yourself as the bad guy and pit the two of them against you. Or you’ll paint him as the bad guy and all of his attention will go towards fixing the relationship that he’s in.
Guess who he’ll stop talking to if this happens.
If you guessed you, then you would be correct.
Basically, Levels One through Four are fair game.
- Small Talk
- Telling Stories
- Sharing Opinions
- Virgin Territory
You are allowed to engage in all of these conversations with your Ex one by one.
But you shouldn’t ever share your feelings, talk about sex, or anything like that.
You’ve completed your mission if your Ex begins breaching a topic that is Virgin Territory on his own.
What do I mean by that?
Simply, he talks to you about something he’s never talked to anyone else about before or he talks to you about something he hasn’t told his new girlfriend about.
He has to initiate the process of strengthening the bond with you over choosing to talk to his girlfriend.
Virgin Territory shows that your Ex is in a place where he is vulnerable and he’s choosing to let you in on it.
And vulnerable is exactly where we want him.
He’s opening a door. Just tread lightly and be careful of barging in like you own the place.
Step #4: Initiating A “Hang Out”
This is where the strategy gets really interesting. Up until this point it’s all about putting yourself in the position to succeed.
So far you’ve basically been preparing him to let you back into his life in a gradual manner.
The goal of this is to ensure that you get the Lion’s Share of attention, as opposed to the new girl.
Ironically, this is the part of the overall process where morally you can be in the wrong.
I’m not shying away from that fact.
Now, we DO NOT condone cheating here at Ex Boyfriend. Sear that into your mind. I am not telling you that that is okay.
However, if spending one-on-one time in-person with your Ex is enough to make him realize that he should be with you then I don’t see the problem.
Let’s answer the big question first.
When Should You Push For A One-on-One Interaction?
I don’t know what this says about me but I’ve always viewed “getting an Ex back” as a sort of video game.
It’s a weird way to put it, I know, but bear with me here.
Take one of the most popular video games of all time, Super Mario Brothers.
In order to “beat” the game you have to go from level to level.
Level One leads to Level Two which inevitably leads to Level Three and so on and so forth.
Getting your Ex back is a lot like that.
I’ve already alluded to this fact in the last section with regards to conversations but really this concept should be viewed as all encompassing.
You shouldn’t move on to talking to your Ex after a Breakup unless you have already successfully made it through No Contact.
Just like you shouldn’t “Meet Up” with your Ex until you’ve firmly established yourself back in his life in an indirect way, text and phone conversations.
Remember in the last section when I was talking about an Ex who tells you something that he’s never told anyone before. I referred to it as Virgin Territory.
If you start noticing that things, like him bringing up Virgin Territory, happening a lot more frequently then it’s definitely time to work toward a “Meet Up.”
How To Set Up A Meet Up With Your Ex
The biggest risk you run here is having your Ex simply say “No” to the request. That could occur for a few reasons I’ve listed below:
- You haven’t built up enough “re-attraction” for him to say “Yes.”
- The new girlfriend has too much of a hold on your Ex.
- The breakup was too severe.
Again, I’d like to reiterate how important it is that you accomplish each checkpoint we’ve talked about up until this point before trying this out.
But let’s assume you have met this requirement of all of the checkpoints up until this point.
How do you ask your Ex to meet up?
Honestly, it’s all about coming off as non-threatening.
Too often women make the mistake of over romanticizing this first in-person interaction.
“How would you like to share a bottle of wine with me on the beach?”
That type of date won’t cut it in these circumstances. Instead, “inviting” your Ex to an event is a better approach to take.
“Hey, a group of friends and I are going to the beach. Would you like to come?”
Doesn’t that sound WAY less threatening. He’s much more likely to say “Yes.”
Step #5: Initiating “FOMO” To Seal The Deal
Most of the clients I work with think that if they can just see their Ex again in person, then the hard part is over.
That’s not necessarily true.
Especially in a situation where your Ex is already in a new relationship.
The key thing to remember here is that it has to be his idea to leave the new relationship and come back to you.
You shouldn’t try to force it. If you try to give him an ultimatum, it will feel like he’s being forced and it will blow up in your face.
So, how do we force his hand in an acceptable and less obvious way?
Most of this strategy so far has been about making yourself an indispensable part of your Ex Boyfriend’s life.
It’s time to pull the rug out from under him and show him that you won’t always be around forever.
In other words, you need to create FOMO within your Ex.
FOMO = Fear Of Missing Out
In order to do this successfully you need to pull back every once in a while after months of being accessible to him.
Show him what his life will be like without you in it for a little bit, that you’re not afraid to keep living your own life.
Do something worthwhile without him.
This doesn’t mean that you need to go back into a full No Contact.
There are more direct ways to do this.
I’ll give you an example. Let’s say that your Ex has gotten into the habit of talking to you on the phone almost every day.
Maybe you have a few days where you simply don’t pick up, presumably because you are busy doing something else.
There’s something I’ve found to be true for most women in this circumstance.
If you are methodical about getting through Steps One through Four and have pretty positive results with them then usually Step Five isn’t even needed.
Take the success story video I talked about at the beginning of this article.
My client didn’t really have to do any hard FOMO tactics. Her Ex simply wanted her back because she had become more important than the new girl.
That’s usually what happens.
Let’s Summarize Everything That You Need To Know
When you are in a situation where your Ex has moved on to a new girlfriend, there are plenty of tools in your arsenal. You just have to learn to make them work for you. They complement each other perfectly if you do them exactly as I’ve laid them out.
- The No Contact Rule – How to navigate the Honeymoon Period to make No Contact the most effective it can be.
- The Being There Mindset – How to use your Ex’s new girlfriend’s emotions and insecurities against her.
- The Being There Method – How to establish rapport with your Ex using varying levels of conversation in a specific order.
- The Hang Out – How to get your Ex to agree to one-on-one interaction.
- The Fear of Missing Out – How to leverage your connection with your Ex to strengthen your connection over the connection with his new girlfriend.
These steps can be used to alter the Ex Recovery Program to fit your specific situation and increase your chances of getting your Ex back.