“Do exes always come back?”
It’s one of the most popular questions that I get from readers.
So, what I’ve decided to do is to actually answer that question in this article right, here right now.
At least that’s how it started out but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would also be interesting to answer what has to be present in the equation for an ex to want to come back to you.
Now, that may sound odd to you but bear with me here.
Making An Ex Want To Come Back Is A Lot Like Solving A Math Problem
The way I look at it is getting an ex back is that it’s kind of like trying to figure out a difficult math problem.
There are certain elements that need to be present and if you don’t have enough of those elements you’ll fail.
Math is pretty cut and dry that way.
For example, 2+ 2= 4
There’s no other number you can plug into that equation to make it true.
That’s just the way it is and that’s the way it will always be.
The same principles apply here with exes.
(Obviously this is not a guaranteed science but I want you to understand the essence of what I am getting at here with this analogy.)
Do Exes Always Come Back To You?
First let’s answer this simple question,
Do exes always come back to you?
No they don’t.
Exes don’t always come back to you but don’t let that frighten you.
There’s a lot that goes into making an ex want to come back to you. Let’s tackle that first.
The first thing I talk about with a lot of my coaching clients is the fact that there are actually three distinct points of time that are important to understand when an ex begins making a decision to come back to you.
The three points of time are pretty straightforward,
- What Happened Before The Breakup?
- What Happened During The Breakup?
- What You Do With The Time After The Breakup
Let’s take a moment to look over each one of these period of times so that you have a better handle over them.
What Happened Before The Breakup?
When I talk about “before the breakup” I’m really trying to understand what your relationship with your ex was like. The way I explain it to my coaching clients is that there’s always kind of a catalyst for when things go downhill.
Something happens where you’ll notice a change in your ex’s behavior and things just go downhill from there.
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What is that catalyst?
When did it occur?
I’ll give you an example.
Catalyst Theory
Let’s assume that you’re in a relationship for six months and the first four months of the relationship are great.
Then something happens and the last two months of the relationship are awful.
In this particular case, when your ex thinks back on this particular relationship they’re going to probably think more about the good times than the bad times.
Why?
Because they have four months of good behavior/memories to draw upon and only two months of bad behavior to draw upon.
Now, let’s use another example.
Let’s say that you dated your ex for a year (12 months.)
The first two months were incredible, exhilarating, exciting and intense
But the next 10 months were not.
They were awful.
They were everything that’s wrong with the relationship.
When this particular ex looks back on that experience they’re probably not going to remember very fondly.
Why?
Because there’s 10 months worth of data right there that is bad.
That is really hard to overcome.
Ideally you’re looking for a good split where most of your time together was positive and not a lot of your time together was negative.
What Happened During The Breakup?
There’s not a lot to unpack here with “during the break up” as a time period.
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Why?
I’ve been on record saying that 95 percent of the time I find that exes will lie to you about the real reason they want to breakup with you.
- I don’t love you anymore.
- I’m just not ready for a relationship.
Are two of the most common reasons for why they’ll break up with you and I’ve also found interestingly enough in success stories that it’s total BS.
You’ve heard that phrase,
When emotions run high, logic runs low.
That’s certainly the case of during an actual breakup so I don’t I don’t put a lot of credence into this time period.
However, I have found that it can impact people negatively.
I’ll give you an example, let’s say that you and your ex are in a relationship and you go through a horrific breakup.
I mean this thing is really bad, lamps are being thrown, you are yelling at each other, police get called on the two of you because you’re being so loud .
What do you think your ex is going to remember when they think back on your time together?
Probably this awful breakup.
What You Do After The Breakup
The third and probably most important time period to focus on is actually what you do after the breakup.
Contrary to what most “experts” out there will tell you it is possible to completely screw your chances up by not doing what you’re supposed to do after the breakup.
For more information on what you are supposed to be doing go here.
There’s a client that I’ve been dealing with recently that should have had their ex back. In fact my wife and I have worked with this person a lot.
This person literally has everything going for them except they don’t have the discipline or the mentality that it takes to get their ex back at this point of time.
- We tell them to do something, they agree and then don’t execute.
- They obsess about their ex in all the wrong ways.
- It’s uncanny how they keep shooting themselves in the foot time and time again.
This is a classic case of not using the time after the breakup very wisely.
I’d make the argument that this is probably the most important time period to focus on because you have some measure of control over it if you really think about it.
Unless you have a time machine, you have no control over the past.
You can’t go back and change what happened during your relationship.
You can’t go back and change how you acted during the breakup itself either but you can change how you act after the breakup which is why I tell my clients to focus most of their energy on this.
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Now, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that these three time period that we covered are the essential thing to grasp to understand if you want to know if your ex will come back to you. I’ve actually found three additional factors that you need to keep an eye on.
The Miscellaneous Factors
The first thing I want to say is don’t worry if you’re a little intimidated by the look of this list because I don’t expect you to know it until after this article is over
Overall, there are three additional miscellaneous findings that my team and I have happened upon that definitely play a role into making an ex want to come back,
- Moving On Without Moving On
- Positioning And Timing
- The Importance Of The Internal Conversation
Like before, I’d like to take a few minutes to go over these factors with you.
Moving On Without Moving On
I’ve noticed through a lot of work with clients and also on our Private Facebook Support Group that it’s uncanny how often people will try to get their exes back, fail miserably then give up only to have the ex suddenly come back into the picture.
I’ve thought a lot about why this happens and I think after years of studying this phenomenon and trying to understand it I’ve come to my conclusion.
I believe it revolves around a number of factors.
The first is that a lot of this process of trying to make an ex want to come back uses a strategy where we play hard to get.
We’re going to talk a little bit about positioning and timing in a few minutes so this will come up more directly there but part of the positioning piece is playing hard to get.
The problem is that my clients want their exes back more than anything which makes “playing hard to get” for them extremely difficult.
Whether they believe it or not they exude that longing for their ex in a type of aura.
When the ex picks up on this they think,
“I can get this person back whenever I want”
And that’s not appealing to them.
I was explaining this concept to a client the other day where I talked about the fact that men and women tend to get bored of things that are too easy.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Consider for a moment that you see a movie for the first time and it’s a really good movie, maybe one of the best you’ve ever seen.
You see it again a day later and it’s still awesome, it’s still great and you still like it but it’s not the same as the very first time you saw it.
Then you see it’s 17 more times.
Well, by that 17th time that you see it, it’s boring to you.
You’ve seen it too much, you know what’s going to happen, you’ve got all of the words memorized.
The same thing kind of applies here when you’re trying to get your ex back.
Your ex needs to think that they aren’t going to get you. They need to think that something new is going to occur because if you’re talking to your ex there’s a sense of,
Oh I’ve got her or Oh I’ve got him.
You need to find a way to remove that and the only way to do that is moving on without moving on.
Let’s move on to the next thing.
Positioning And Timing
So what do I mean by positioning and timing?
Well, in my opinion one of the things that needs be present in the equation for an ex to want to come back into the picture is that you need to first be positioned properly and the timing needs to be right.
These two things are essential elements that need to be present.
Let’s talk a little bit about them and what I mean by positioning.
The fact of the matter is that I think you cannot talk about positioning without timing and timing without positioning.
Pretend that you are trying to get your ex back for six months and finally the time is right.
The stars have aligned your ex is ready and open to wanting someone back in their life but they only view you as a friend.
That is a scenario where the timing is right but the positioning isn’t right.
Then you have the scenario where maybe you’ve positioned yourself brilliantly but things are happening a little too quickly and you can’t get your ex to commit.
The funny part about this concept is that if you look at my website it’s actually a study of these two elements.
Every article I’ve ever written, every book I’ve written is all focused on one of these two elements or both of these elements.
I’ll give you an example, The Texting Bible is a book I wrote to teach people how to text their exes after a breakup which is a fancy way of saying it focuses on positioning. However, while writing it I also noticed that there needed to be some talk about timing.
How is timing involved in texting?
Well, when you text is almost as important as what you text.
Think about that.
Understanding The Importance Of The Internal Conversation Happening In Your Exes Mind
A lot of people don’t realize this but all of the decisions your ex makes with regards to you happen after your interactions.
Think about the actual act of how an ex is going to take you back.
They’re not going to sit there and make their decision impulsively.
Some of them do.
But what you find is sometimes when an ex will make an impulsive decision to get back together with you they’ll end up backing out a few days later.
Why?
Why does this happen?
Well, it happens because they’ve literally talked themselves out of committing and that all happens via an internal conversation in their head when they’re alone.
The beautiful part about the internal conversation happening in your ex’s head is that it harkens back to that first part of this presentation where I was talking about the three points of time to foucs on.
When you look at the conversation in your head that your ex is going to have it’s really going to focus everything that happened before the breakup.
I’ll give you an example, let’s say that you are trying to get me back.
We go on a date.
Things go really great.
I say I’m or make some statement to you like,
Have you ever thought about getting back together?
This of course opens the gates for you to to try your commitment speech out.
I eventually decide, yes I’m interested in getting back together with you.
Then three days later I message you saying I don’t think this is going to work out.
What happened?
Throughout those three days I’ve had time to sit and consider what actually has happened. I’ve thought back to how things were before the breakup.
What was that first relationship like?
I remember that you were super naggy. I also remembered that you kept flirting with other men and it made me extremely jealous and I don’t want to go through that again. The more I thought the more the kernel of the idea grew in my head and the more unattractive you became until eventually my internal conversation or the internal narrative that I’m having talked myself out of being with you permanently.
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