Today we’re going to talk about why your ex boyfriend isn’t talking to you anymore.
Specifically I’m going to answering,
- The 12 main reasons for why your ex boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to you
- What it means when they don’t want to talk to you
- And how long they can usually go without talking to you.
Let’s dive right in.
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The 12 Main Reasons For Why Your Ex Boyfriend Isn’t Talking To You?
Listed below are the 12 most common reasons for why your ex boyfriend isn’t talking to you.
- Your ex boyfriend is an avoidant
- He has a new girlfriend
- You let your anxious tendencies take control
- For them “being friends” isn’t worth it
- They can’t stand awkward conversations
- The conversations you have end up being all about you
- You haven’t let them go yet
- They associate you with negativity
- You aren’t employing tactical empathy
- You skipped the value ladder
- They are afraid of “leading you on”
- Social expectations have corrupted him
Let’s start for the top and dissect.
Reason #1: Your Ex Is an Avoidant
The first reason is linked to attachment style theory. If you’ve been around my YouTube channel, website or podcast recently, you probably heard me talk about attachment theory, but if not, here’s a quick summary.
There are four main types of attachment styles
- Secure Attachment: this is the Holy Grail of attachment styles and is characterized by self-confidence and fortitude. People with secure attachment styles do not let the grief of breakups take over their life
- Anxious Attachment: this is the kind of obsessive attachment style where people usually beg for their access back after a breakup or keep stalking their ex
- Avoidant Attachment: people with avoidant attachment styles tend to run away at any sign of emotional intimacy. They do not let themselves feel hurt after a breakup, instead choosing to avoid the situation altogether.
- Fearful Attachment: fearful attachment combines the worst parts of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. It’s basically like being on a pendulum between anxious and avoidant – you never know what you’re going to get.
Increasingly most of our clients tend to have anxious attachment styles. Perhaps even more interestingly, here’s what we found when we polled our private Facebook support group and asked, “What attachment style is your ex?”
Over 65% of participants admitted that they believed their ex had avoidant tendencies
Since most of our clients have avoidant exes, it’s no wonder that they don’t want to talk after a breakup. It’s in their very nature to avoid emotionally difficult situations. These avoidant exes don’t want to think about you at all because they don’t want to let themselves miss you. So there is almost a lack of nostalgia embedded into avoidant attachment styles.
They think that talking to you might awaken some sense of nostalgia, so they avoid it altogether for as long as possible. Now that’s not to say that avoidant exes will never feel the nostalgia; they will, but it’ll be way slower than other attachment styles, especially an anxious attachment style. So if you have an anxious attachment style, you’ll probably be distressed after the breakup, and you’ll see that your ex doesn’t seem to care.
That’s probably because you’re on different grief timelines.
The nostalgia will eventually hit your avoidant ex but not when you want it to. So when do avoidants want to talk to you?
Well that’s only after they believe you have moved on from them because then they give themselves permission to feel okay to miss you.
Reason #2: They Have a New Boyfriend or Girlfriend
A new love interest will definitely make your ex stop talking to you. Speaking of which, I’ll never forget when I met my wife. Almost immediately after I met my wife, I knew that she was different, and I wanted to be with her.
I was so terrified of messing things up that I immediately stop talking to every other girl I was talking to. I told him I met someone I like really much, and I cannot afford to lose my chance with her.
The point is that sometimes your ex will cut you off if they are on the rebound and they find someone they really like. So you should definitely keep an eye out for whether your ex has a new love interest.
Reason #3: You Let Your Anxious Tendencies Take Control
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So here we come back to the attachment style theory. We have found that most exes tend to be avoidants, but most of our clients tend to be anxious. So what happens if someone is too anxious after a breakup?
Well, they usually annoy their ex so much that they end up getting blocked. These are the people who blow up their ex’s phone, leaving several voice mails, showing up unannounced to their excess home or workplace, or even trying to buy back their ex’s love with gifts.
If you’re one of those anxious individuals who has been obsessively reaching out to their ex, this is probably why your ex is not interested in talking to you anymore because they associate you with your overly anxious attachment style.
Reason #4: For Them “Being Friends” Isn’t Worth It
I’m gonna raise my hand in the air here and admit something.
This is actually something I believed before getting into this business 10 years ago. I always had the mindset that the worst thing you could do after a breakup is becoming friends with your ex.
I had a tough time compartmentalizing the two relationships because I couldn’t understand how one can go from being madly in love with someone to just friends.
A poll done by the associated press in 2015 found that close to 60% of exes believed that being friends wasn’t worth it.
Your ex may be the exact same way: they have trouble compartmentalizing or don’t want to be hurt by being just friends.
They can’t imagine a world where you’re both just friends after a breakup, so they don’t even entertain the possibility.
Reason #5: They Can’t Stand Awkward Conversations
There will be plenty of awkward conversations when you talk to an ex after a breakup, so you can’t really blame your ex for wanting to avoid that.
We try to teach our clients to stay away from those awkward conversations as much as possible, but sometimes things just come up.
This is especially true if you had a rough breakup. Neither you nor your ex is fully ready to have that awkward conversation and bring that elephant into the middle of the room, so your ex just chooses to ignore you instead of acknowledging the awkwardness.
Reason #6: The Conversations You Have End Up Being All About You
I try to do monthly live streams on our private Facebook support group when I basically answer rapid-fire questions from our members. The most common questions I see almost every time sound like this: why isn’t my ex responding to me?
Why won’t my ex talk to me?
I usually ask two questions before answering these:
Is your hook message interesting enough to warrant a response from an ex?
Are you properly engaging in interest-based texting revolving around your ex or are you just talking about yourself?
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A lot of people, consciously or subconsciously, make conversations about themselves and their interests. This could be because it’s within their comfort zone or because they feel like they are opening themselves up more to their ex by talking about themselves. Unfortunately, an ex will not always see it this way.
If you keep talking about things that interest you, your ex will start to zone out of the conversation and eventually stop replying. After all, why would they continue a conversation that they’re not into?
This is why we tell our clients to have conversations about things that interest their ex and not themselves. The goal is to keep your ex engaged in the conversation, and that will only happen when it revolves around their interests.
Reason #7: You Haven’t Let Them Go Yet
This is one of the new concepts that we’ve been peddling a lot in regard to the no contact rule.
If you go back to the history of ex-boyfriend recovery, you see that up until a few years ago, our definition of the no contact rule went like this: “ignore your ex for 30 to 45 days to make them mix you.”
Our new definition, however, is a bit different:
We now see the no contact rule ask an opportunity to ignore your ex and instead focus on yourself.
The no contact rule should be used to get closer to a secure attachment style. Usually this means letting go of your ex and reaching a mindset where you don’t really care if they come back to you.
Sometimes the no contact rule can have the added benefit of your ex missing you and coming back because they see you as a new and improved person, but making your ex miss you should not be the main reason for going into no contact.
Remember: if your ex is an avoidant, which is extremely likely, they will not talk to you until they think that you have let go of them and moved on. This is why you need a no-contact rule.
Reason #8: They Associate You with Negativity
I’ve once been on record stating that relationships are like a bank account. So usually, good relationships always have positive deposits into the bank account.
You’re having great moments and conversations together, you’re stimulating each other intellectually, and all those positive events add to your bank account balance, but the reverse is also true.
If you’re constantly fighting, arguing, or cheating on each other, those negative interactions are like spending money from your relationship account.
Eventually, if you keep taking out more than you put in, you’re going to be broke, and this analogy means having a broken relationship.
So what I would like you to do is try to self-analyze and know what was really difficult in your relationship towards the end. Were there more withdrawals from your relationship account that made your ex see you in a negative light?
When I think back on my first relationship, I remember it as a very toxic and negative situation.
We had about a two-month honeymoon period, and after that, we were always fighting. Sometimes it was my fault and sometimes my ex’s fault, but my net takeaway from the relationship was just negativity.
If your ex also has a similar negative association with your past relationship, they probably don’t want to engage with you in a conversation again. They’re afraid that negativity will come back to their life.
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Reason #9: You Aren’t Employing Tactical Empathy
Sometimes when you have conversations with your ex, it’s easy for them to get into heated arguments. One of the best ways we have found to diffuse such situations is by employing tactical empathy.
The concept of tactical empathy comes from world-renowned FBI negotiator Chris Voss. In his book Never Split the Difference, Voss describes tactical empathy as a technique for calming down a hostage situation.
Employing tactical empathy means understanding your opponent’s worldview and repeating it back to them. When you repeat back what you think they are feeling, they will feel heard and validated and thus more open to conversation and negotiations.
You also need to employ tactical empathy with your ex – state what you think they are feeling and thinking, so they are forced to recognize and appreciate how well you know them. The more ex feels like they are heard, the more they will want to talk to you.
If you don’t use tactical empathy, eventually, the conversations will get exhausting and may just cease altogether.
Reason #10: You Skipped the Value Ladder
We have a rigorous routine in teaching our new clients on their checkpoints to get their ex back.
Every foundational aspect of our process starts with the no contact rule and what you do with your time during it. But then things get more interesting because we stair-step our way up what we call a value ladder.
The value ladder basically involves building value through different incremental modes of communication. So you start with text messaging, building enough value to move on to phone calls and video chats. You then move on to small in-person meetups that eventually turn into romantic dates.
The goal is that if you take enough time to build value on each of these steps, your ex will ask you to get back together, or at least you will be able to nudge them to define the relationship.
Often, people get so worked up during the no contact rule that they rush the process and creep their ex out a little too much because they haven’t built sufficient value. They haven’t slowly stair-stepped their way up that value ladder, so that’s definitely something you should not rush or skip.
Reason #11: They’re Afraid of Leading You On
This kind of relates to reason four but basically, your ex doesn’t want to lead you on and make you think that you’re going to get back together.
The beauty of this is that we have seen exes say this and then come back together, so we know it is possible; you just have to make the right choices to make it happen.
So the worst thing you can do is get offended by this. Instead, usually when an ex says, “I just want to let you know we’re just friends, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” you should say, “Of course we’re just friends!” In this situation, your ex has already assumed that you still like them and won’t contact you at all because they’re afraid of leading you on.
So one of the best things you could do is to indicate that you are done with them and have completely moved on. Sometimes the best way to do this is to enact a no contact rule and keep living your best life on social media until your ex reaches out to you first.
Reason #12: Social Expectations Have Corrupted Them
Have you ever heard something like this?
Once an ex, always an ex.
There’s more fish in the sea.
Why would you ever want an ex back?
Once you break up with an ex, I don’t think you should ever get back together.
This is the mentality society feeds us about getting back with an ex, so your ex may be trapped in this mentality too. This is also the same society that makes people do everything possible to save a marriage, a bit hypocritical, right?
Now I’ll admit marriages are different because legal and financial elements incentivize trying to fix a broken marriage. But most people see getting an ex back as this extremely negative thing because they’ve either had a poor experience, have never wanted an ex back, or they simply can’t imagine that it would be successful.
Your ex may be one of these people who believes that once an ex always an ex. What can you do when you have an ex like this? Your best bet always is to stick to the game plan we have created.
Our game plan accounts for negative societal expectations and beliefs that will hinder you and your ex on this journey.
Trust me, we’re well aware of what people think about getting exes back. You might even find negative comments on our blog posts or videos saying we shouldn’t encourage people to get their ex back. In fact, Facebook actually banned my advertising account once as people were posting too many negative comments because they were offended at the idea of an ex-recovery program.
All that to say, it’s very possible that societal expectations may be holding your ex back from talking to you.
Conclusion:
Here are the top 12 reasons why your ex isn’t talking to you anymore:
- Your ex is an avoidant
- They have a new girlfriend
- You let your anxious tendencies take control
- For them “being friends” isn’t worth it
- They can’t stand awkward conversations
- The conversations you have end up being all about you
- You haven’t let them go yet
- They associate you with negativity
- You aren’t employing tactical empathy
- You skipped the value ladder
- They are afraid of “leading you on”
- Social expectations have corrupted him
What are your chances with your ex?
Take my simple two minute quiz to get an honest accounting of your chances.
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