This is the ultimate guide for determining how long your no contact rule should actually be.
Today we’re going to be covering,
- What The No Contact Rule Is
- The Three Time Lengths of the no contact rule
- Situational Circumstances And Their Time Lengths
- Why There’s Been Increasing Evidence For Longer Periods Of No Contact
With that in mind let’s get started.
What Is The No Contact Rule?
Throughout my history in the breakup industry I have refined the no contact rule definition many times.
At first it was just a strategy where you ignore your ex no matter what with the intent of making them miss you.
However, as time went on I started to notice an interesting trend. I’d interview success stories (people who successfully won their exes back) and they didn’t really so much see success with the “making him miss me” part. Instead, they viewed the no contact rule as this extremely important point where they underwent this psychological mindset shift of self love and it was that self love portion where they actually got the results they desired.
This lead us to our current iteration of the no contact rule.
The no contact rule is meant to be a period of time where you ignore your ex so you can begin to level up your life in all lacking areas. The intent isn’t ever supposed to be to make him miss you but often if you can level up your life you’ll find he does miss you.
The real trick then becomes determining the actual time frame of the no contact rule.
Generally there are five time frames we recommend.
Introducing You To The Five Time Frames
Let’s have a quick crash course on the five time frames.
- The 21 day rule
- The 30 day rule
- The 45 day rule
- The situational rule
- The permanent rule
So, what time frame is ideal for you?
Let’s dive in.
The 21 Day Rule
This is the ideal time frame for situations where the breakup ended on reasonably good terms and you feel your healing process won’t be too difficult.
(Note: I’ve been seeing less and less overall success stories who did the 21 day rule. So, read between the lines there.)
The 30 Day Rule
This is sort of the de facto standard no contact time frame. It’s good for situations where the breakup wasn’t well received by either party. You feel damaged and some work is needed to help you regain your confidence and self esteem.
The 45 Day Rule
This is a good time period if the relationship is reeling from a cheating episode, betrayal, or serious lying. Considerable personal recovery is needed. I’m also going to include situations where your ex boyfriend has moved on to a new girlfriend here because our research has indicated you don’t want to get back in touch with him until after the honeymoon period with that new girlfriend is over.
The Situational Rule
If you haven’t read our article on limited no contact now would be a good time to do that. Basically situational no contact time frames are highly reliant on the limited no contact rule.
This means you find yourself in a situation where you can’t ignore your ex because,
- You still live together with them
- You work together
- You go to school together
- You get the idea
So, generally what happens with a normal no contact is that if you mess up (aka: you break no contact to talk to your ex) you have to start over from the very beginning. With a situational rule like the limited no contact you don’t start over if it falls within the normal parameters for that limited contact rule. Again, read that article for more clarification.
I personally believe that every situational rule should be 45 days. This gives you more time to work on yourself as opposed to focusing on your ex boyfriend.
The Permanent Rule
The permanent time frame works exactly the way it sounds.
It’s a permanent no contact meaning you are ghosting your ex boyfriend. This is the rarest form of no contact but I’d be lying if I said we hadn’t seen it before. Unfortunately we do and it’s always heart breaking when it happens.
One of my very first coaching clients had a situation like this and it broke my heart to tell her that she needed to stop trying to get her ex boyfriend back because he was dangerous for her. I could see how hurt she was to hear it but I cannot condone getting an ex boyfriend back in any of the following situations.
- A situation where he was extremely emotionally abusive to you
- A situation where he was violent towards you
- A situation where he is using thoughts of suicide to try to convince you to stay
- A situation where he tries to blackmail you with pictures (with this one we recommend you consult a lawyer)
In these horrific situations you need to employ our permanent form of no contact with the exception of that last one.
A Case For Longer Periods Of No Contact
Every week my assistant within our private facebook group will contact me with something like this,
Our business has been extremely blessed to have thousands of success stories come through our program. Shaunna, who heads up the initiative to set up interviews with them will often contact me like this every week and that’s how I end up doing interviews like this,
Over the past few years I’ve interviewed hundreds of men and women who have successfully gotten their exes back (not all of them are public on our YouTube channel.) However, if you’d like to see the ones that are free on YouTube my best piece of advice is to simply go to the YouTube search function and type in “Chris Seiter Success Stories”
Doing so will bring up this playlist where you can see all the free success stories I’ve interviewed.
My main goal when it comes to interviewing success stories is to always inspire but there’s also a bit of a hidden motivation as well. What I’m really trying to do is notice patterns that are impossible to pick up on by theorizing.
I’m trying to see what separates the successful people after breakups from the unsuccessful ones and it turns out that there is one distinct pattern I’ve noticed and it has to do with the no contact rule.
Believe it or not but we are seeing a higher success rate (meaning our clients got their ex boyfriends back) with those individuals who have done a longer period of no contact.
Well, this is the part where I put my theorizing cap on. I personally believe it’s because of three factors.
- A longer period of no contact can give you more time to undergo that internal shift we want you to have.
- The no contact rule is notoriously difficult to complete so our clients will often fail it and have to restart it.
- Longer periods of no contact resonate well with those who have avoidant attachment styles
I’d like to take a bit and go through each one of these and talk about them a little more in-depth.
Longer Periods Of No Contact Allow You More Time For Change
As referenced above, we believe that longer periods of no contact help you undergo positive changes in your life.
Unfortunately most of our clients completely miss the point of the no contact rule. They only see the surface level aspects of it that can yield results but usually not long lasting ones. The entire point of the no contact rule is to create enough confidence to the point that you aren’t reliant on your ex boyfriend anymore.
This sounds simple but believe me when I say it can be incredibly hard.
Every day within our private facebook support group we are getting messages like this,
So, if you aren’t able to have that mindset shift by the end of no contact you typically won’t be able to see positive results.
Here’s the rub.
Most of the time 21 days or even 30 days isn’t enough time to get to the point where you don’t need your ex boyfriend anymore. Sometimes you need more time.
No Contact Is Notoriously Difficult To Complete Which Extends Its Time
During interviews with women who successfully won their exes back I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of them messed the no contact rule up. This simply means that they went into it thinking they were going to ignore their ex for 30 days straight but around day 15 he reaches out with something like this,
This touches something deep inside of you and you end up breaking down and responding.
What are you supposed to do now? Is your no contact rule over?
Unfortunately it’s not. You have to start over from square one. So, while I was interviewing success stories I naturally noticed that many of them had these little slip ups and as a result their time in no contact was extended.
So, what was meant to be a 30 day rule evolved into something like 52 days when it was all said and done. This means that they maybe made it 20 days into their initial timeframe of 30 days before breaking it. They ended up starting over and finishing out the 30 days without any hiccups.
Now, I’ve been on record about the dangers of breaking the no contact rule too often and how it loses a little bit of effectiveness with each subsequent attempt.
However, what I find interesting about breaking the no contact rule prematurely is that sometimes even though it sucks to start over it helps you get your mind right to stop focusing on your ex boyfriend and start focusing on yourself.
The Avoidant Attachment Factor Within No Contact
If you haven’t watched this YouTube video I filmed last year then you need to stop everything that you’re doing and watch it now.
(Yes, it’s that important)
In it I talk extensively about men with an avoidant attachment style and while giving them space may be the single most important factor for “winning them back.”
So, here’s pretty much everything you need to know about someone with an avoidant attachment style.
Their biggest fear in the world is that emotional intimacy and closeness with a partner is going to intrude on their own personal freedoms.
What often happens is that as your relationship grows stronger and the two of you become closer he can become frightened of his own individualism being threatened and he will push you away. Of course, your natural reaction is to try to fix things immediately which in turn pushes him away further.
This is a known fact about men with avoidant attachment styles.
Here’s a fact that may not be so known. There is a specific window of time where your avoidant ex boyfriend will allow himself the freedom to miss you. Care to take a guess when that is?
It’s basically any point where they feel like you don’t want them back anymore or that there is no chance that you can ever come back. Only then will they allow themselves to enter this place where they can have nostalgia about how things used to be with you.
How often have you heard this sentiment,
Why is it that a guy always comes back when you’ve completely moved on from him?
Well, we think it’s because of this nostalgic safeness an avoidant can feel. Our goal with a longer no contact rule is to actually help that phase along.
Final Thoughts On What The Best Time Frame Is For You
So, what is the best no contact time frame for you?
It really does depend on a lot of different factors. However, my team and I are become more partial towards longer periods (AKA: 30-45 + days) and we think we have the research and success stories to back it up.
In the end what matters more than anything else is your ability to move past your breakup and focus on you. I know it sounds cliche but sometimes cliche works.