After a breakup, what is the first thing we recommend to every single person who visits this site?
Well, if you are a first time visitor, you may not be able to answer that question.
But, if you have even glimpsed one of our other articles, or if you’ve come across one of my videos on Youtube, you likely have an idea of what I’m talking about.
That’s right; No Contact.
No Contact is the foundation of the getting your Ex back process.
Let’s break it down.
No = Zero, None, Nonexistent
Contact = Communication of any kind
But every single person who has ever been told about No Contact has followed it up with a question that started out, “But what if…?”
They want to know if their situation is…”the exception.”
And in most situations they’re 100% wrong.
Because, guess what! Not talking to your ex is not easy. Fighting that urge is literally like trying to beat an addiction.
And in most cases the answer is no. The only way is cutting your ex off cold turkey.
But, there are very few instances where a Limited No Contact can be more effective than your standard No Contact.
What is Limited No Contact?
We’ll talk about the specific instances where Limited No Contact is acceptable towards the end of this article. But for now we should cover what Limited No Contact is..
Well, let’s break this down like we did before.
No = zero
Contact = communication
Limited = unless the guidelines laid out below describe the situation
So, let me give you a clean and clear definition.
Limited No Contact means absolutely zero communication UNLESS you are in one of the situations described in this article.
Okay, I know if I don’t move onto the rules and the exceptions I am going to lose you. You don’t click on an article like this one unless you are looking to see if you are going to be that exception to the rule. So, let’s find out.
The Rules of Limited No Contact
So, when is it okay to communicate with your Ex during No Contact?
Well, you can’t just decide that Limited No Contact is for you. That’s not how it works. There are five situations where I’d recommend for you to use it.
- When you share a child with your ex
- When you share bills with your ex
- When you live with your ex
- When you go to school/work with him
- When you have to exchange items
Now, I want to make one thing very clear.
It is only acceptable to use Limited No Contact in the place of a No Contact when talking to your Ex is ABSOLUTELY necessary, not just because you miss talking to him.
For the rest of this article I’m going to take each one of those five scenarios above and briefly expand on them.
1. When You Share A Child With Your Ex
Shared custody is rarely fun. But not being available when your Ex needs to discuss important things regarding your kid can cause more problems than just not being with the person you want to be with.
How to Make It Work for You
Children should never be forced to choose between their parents, even if they’ve split up. So, be cordial and positive when you have to interact with your Ex. When the conversations turn away from your kiddo or anything regarding your kiddo, you excuse yourself.
I don’t know about your Ex, bu most of the time, adults will go out of their way to put their best foot forward in front of children. So, you need to use that to your advantage.
No matter how tempting it is, don’t discuss the breakup, your relationship, or anything outside of the care of your child. Do not bring up any negative subjects that you know will start an argument.
If your Ex is a more confrontational type, adjust your mindset ahead of time when you know you will have to talk to him. Do not give in if he tries to get you to argue with him. Small exclusively positive interactions are the goal.
2. When You Share Bills With Your Ex
Sharing bills is another one of those things you just can’t ignore. If you ignore it, it makes you look irresponsible. If you are too pushy about getting them paid, you can end up coming across as a bit of a pain.
You know what’s not attractive?
Being a pain or being pushy.
How to Make It Work for You
You’ll notice in a second that on of the situations is living together. So, you need to know that this is if you have bills and don’t live together. There is no need to meet up every time you have to pay bills or discuss the details.
There is something I always say when it comes down to interactions during Limited No Contact, “keep is simple; Short, sweet, and on point.”
Only do what is necessary. Don’t make things complicated. If you need to meet up, then do it. If it’s not necessary, don’t. Just have a quick phone call and handle things that way.
Be calm, cool, and collected when you interact with him. Try and get your duck in a row, so to speak, ahead of time. Have whatever you owe ready to go and any information you might need to make the payment.
This can actually work in your favor if you happened to be less than responsible before the breakup. No Contact is all about getting your Ex to see you in a new light. Being responsible is definitely an attractive quality when considering a future with them.
3. When You Live With Your Ex
Living with an Ex after a breakup can be a pretty tough situation to be in. I mean, how hard is it to avoid talking to him already without adding the fact that you are stuck seeing him every time you come home.
It leaves a lot of room for error.
Your silence could be seen as passive aggressive or just downright aggressive.
How to Make It Work for You
One of the things we talk about a lot regarding No Contact is what to do during it. The key is to stay productive, better yourself, and allow your Ex to see you living your best life.
It’s not easy to hide the more vulnerable moments we all go through after a breakup. So how to you manage all of that while also living under the same roof?
Well, you stick to your areas of the house. Any time you know he’s going to be home when you are, you make sure and look nice and stay positive.
No moping around on the couch in your sweats. Let him see that you are going out, hitting the gym, doing things that make you seem less devastated than you might be.
If you have a moment of weakness, simply retreat somewhere out of sight or find a reason to go out. A lot of our clients start spending their free time in the gym. This has the dual advantage of disguising a weak moment and adding to your attractiveness. It’s a win-win.
4. When You Go to School or Work With Your Ex
You can’t just quit your job or quit school just because you’re avoiding your Ex. I mean, I know it’s tempting but you really shouldn’t.
And you don’t have any control over the decisions of your teacher or boss. There’s always that off chance that she sticks you in a group or on a project with your Ex.
The goal with No Contact isn’t to make your Ex mad. It’s to get him to recognize your worth and chase you again.
How to Make It Work for You
The upside of these situations is that your ex has to witness you interact with other people. It’s the perfect time to influence him indirectly by getting other people to see your value.
Think about this for a second. What would a diamond be worth if no one was willing to pay thousand of dollars for it? Nothing right?
Well, the same goes for human beings. We tend to gauge people’s worth by paying attention to how the people we respect treat them.
Think about that decent-but-not-quite-hot guy that you know. If you found out that Gal Gadot was actively pursuing him. You’d start to wonder what it was that you were missing about him, right?
Well, the upside of knowing your Ex as well as you do after dating him is that you know who in your classes or around the office holds his respect.
You are going to start talking to that person slightly more, maybe laugh a little harder at their jokes. If someone were to ask that person what they think of you, you want them to talk about about how awesome you are.
Your Ex won’t be able to stop himself from wondering what he missed.
And when you interact with him at work or at school, be nice and polite. Keep the conversations short and confined to the subject of your class or your job.
5. When Returning Their Things or Having Them Return Your Things is Imperative
This one is on I get asked about almost constantly. And the truth is that about 98% of the time the client is just searching for reasons to break No Contact. That is why i make sure to include the ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY part of the definition.
If your Ex has a chronic illness and he is going to die if he doesn’t have the medicine he left at your house. Then, yeah. give the man his medicine back. If he’s going to fail a class because he left his books or homework at your place. Then, yeah. Return it.
But, if you have a gum wrapper and a toothbrush that he left at your house months ago, chances are he has a back up or can get one easily. You don’t need to reach out or meet up over this or anything this trivial.
How to Make It Work for You
If you do need to meet up to drop off something he needs, make sure you get all of it. Don’t keep arranging meetup after meetup.
But when you do return his things, you need to go out of your way to look amazing, but not like you tried to look amazing.
Again, keep it short and sweet. Don’t hang around forever.
In fact, if you feel the brief conversation is going well , one of the most useful tactics we use is Leaving on a High Note.
Leaving on a High Note means that you find a reason to leave the conversation when it is at its peak. This leaves him wanting more and wondering what is more important than he is.
All conversations have a natural ebb and flow to them. There are moments where both people are engaged in the conversation and enjoying it and there are lulls. Normally, people tend to end conversations when it is in a lull because it creates a natural break in the conversation.
However, by excusing yourself from a conversation at a moment that seems early to the participants, you create the feeling that it is unfinished.
This is where the Zeigernik Effect comes into play. We all prefer completed actions as opposed to unfinished ones. In fact, our minds will nag us when it sees an action as being incomplete.
By leaving him hanging, so to speak, you create a kind of bookmark in his brain telling him that he needs to talk to you again.
By returning to No Contact after the interaction, you deny him the ability to finish the loop and he will mistake that desire to finish the conversation as an attraction, leaving you open to reestablish a relationship when No Contact is over.
You’re a Limited Contact Expert Now Right?
Okay, so now that you know all of the exceptions, you should be a pro at this. Right?
While I would love to believe that is true, I know that more than half of you are going to be like, “but Chris what about…” and throw a new scenario at me.
If your situation doesn’t meet the criteria, but you still think you should do No Contact, shoot me or my Coaches a message on our Facebook Twitter, or Instagram. We’d be happy to let you know what your best course of action is.
We also have plenty of resources to help you make the most out of your No Contact.