This is the complete guide for learning how to make your ex regret leaving you after a breakup.
So, if you’re looking for:
A scenario where your ex mentions he regrets breaking up with you.
A better understanding of the psychology of regret.
A list of reasons for why your ex doesn’t regret his decision right now.
Then you’ll love the eight steps I’m going to go through in this guide.
Our Seven Step Method That Makes Your Ex Regret Leaving You
For the past decade my team and I have been studying regret and what it does to human beings after a breakup. We believe we’ve come up with a simple eight step method that can dramatically improve your odds of creating regret within your ex boyfriend.
- Understand That Regret With An Ex Is More About Missed Opportunities Than Mistakes
- Implement A No Contact Rule The Right Way
- Understand That Time Dilation Will Exist
- Employ The Gatsby Method
- Train Your Mindset So Your Ex Is No Longer Your First Priority
- The Fear Of Missing Out Is Extremely Important
- Our Value Ladder Concept Exists For A Reason, Use It
Understand That Regret Is More About Missed Opportunities Than Mistakes
There are really two times of regret.
- Those based on inacation
- Those based on action
Which do you think matters more?
According to growing research on the science of regret, we humans are far more likely to experience gnawing feelings of regret for things that we didn’t do (inaction) than mistakes that we made along the way (actions). And those regrets cut much deeper and last much longer when those inactions are perceived as failures to live up to an idealized version of ourselves. (source)
It’s this simple misunderstanding that so many of our clients fail to grasp. Too often we see them focusing on making their ex feel bad about about certain actions or thoughts expressed in the relationship. The reality is that it’s much more effective to take the opportunity cost approach.
If you aren’t familiar opportunity cost is often used in economics to refer to the loss of an outcome once a certain outcome has been chosen.
Think of it like this.
You have a hundred bucks that you want to invest in a company.
One company has a stellar track record of yielding a 9% ROI per year. Which means that in one year your $100 will have become $109.
The other company has no track record but is promising you a 100% ROI per year. Which means that in one year your $100 will have become $200.
Which do you choose?
For arguments sake let’s say that you take the safe route and chose the company that yields 9% ROI per year and true to their prediction after one year your $100 has turned into $109. Of course, you’re a naturally curious person so you decide to see how that other company did.
Upon seeing their results you are stunned.
They performed much better than expected and grew by 3000% which means if you had chosen to put your $100 in that company it would have been $3,000 by the end of the year. All of a sudden you aren’t feeling so good about your choice.
That feeling you feel when you missed out on that opportunity is the basis of the strategy I’m going to be teaching you in this guide today. It’s all about finding subtle ways to highlight what your ex has missed out on when he chose to leave you.
Specifically when we get to talk about my “Gatsby Method” concept.
But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now. Let’s start talking about your first true step for making an ex regret breaking up with you, implementing a no contact rule.
Implement A No Contact Rule The Right Way
You’ll often hear me and other coaches in the industry talk about the no contact rule in regards to breakups. It’s always one of those hotly debated topics. Some people swear by it while other claim that it doesn’t work.
I started my breakup business in 2012 with the creation of Ex Boyfriend Recovery and in 2013 I launched Ex Girlfriend Recovery. So, after eight years when I had the opportunity to buy exboyfriend.com I jumped at the opportunity.
What I often don’t tell people about EBR and EGR is that I’ve always viewed them as experiments. Admittedly that’s a weird thing to admit but bear with me here.
EBR and EGR started out as my best attempts towards helping people rebuild their broken relationships.
And staying true to my socratic method roots I’ve continually taken the past ten years to refine my hypothesis to get closer to the truth.
So, when I write about something on this website the advice tends to be a lot more potent because it’s been through hundreds of stress tests via EBR and EGR.
What does any of this have to do with the no contact rule?
Well, perhaps our version of no contact has undergone the greatest change over the past decade. Originally we just viewed it as a rule where you ignore your ex and make them miss you. Unfortunately when we started taking clients we noticed that if they began implementing no contact purely to make their ex miss them they had very poor results.
On the other hand we noticed that most of our success stories used their no contact rules in a way that they essentially stopped caring about their exes.
Over the years we have seen this trend hold and in 2020 we updated our official definition of the no contact rule,
The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you
There’s a couple of things to note here.
When we look at this step towards making an ex regret letting you go you’ll notice that the biggest change in the no contact definition has to do with outgrowing your ex. This is doing no contact the right way.
I’ve noticed that perhaps the biggest mistake people tend to make with no contact is not using that time to outgrow their ex so when they talk to their ex again it’s just disastrous.
On the other hand if you’re able to use that time apart from your ex during no contact to outgrow them you’ll notice that in talking to them the results are much better.
This is actually a phenomenon I’ve been fascinated by because when I’ve actually interviewed success stories who have experienced it and I’ve asked them to explain it they have trouble putting it into words. The consensus seems to be that it isn’t something you can’t fake.
So, during no contact if you pretend that you’re over them or are inauthentic about what you’re posting on social media to prove that you’re over them it doesn’t work.
Everything needs to be authentic.
You actually need to work to get over them.
I realize that there is an irony at play here.
Initially you use no contact as an attempt to get them back but I’m telling you that you should use it to get over them.
And yet that’s what our research tells us works.
Understand That Time Dilation Exists
This is a relatively new idea that I can’t claim credit for. The truth is that our head coach, Anna first brought it to my attention.
In order to understand the time dilation concept we first need to educate you on attachment styles.
I like to keep things simple so we are just going to divide attachment styles into four distinct categories,
- Secure: Emotionally mature, has the fortitude to deal with heartbreak and convince themselves that they’re going to be ok.
- Anxious: Puts too much of themselves into the relationship. Most likely to beg or plead after a breakup. Will have an irrational narrative going on in their head post breakup.
- Avoidant: Values independence highly. When that independence is threatened in a relationship they avoid the situation or simply leave. Avoids conflict at all costs.
- Fearful: A combination of the worst qualities of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Extremely rare as only 7% of the population exhibits a fearful style.
What’s interesting is that since I’ve been doing this a decade I’ve learned a lot about my audience.
For example, I know that the type of woman who is most likely going to be searching for get your ex back breakup advice on the internet is going to fall into the anxious category but it wasn’t until a few years ago upon the creation of our private facebook group that we learned that most of our anxious clients were dating avoidant exes.
And thus our insight into time dilation came to fruition.
Understand Time Dilation In Attachment Styles
How you perceive time after a breakup will most likely be different based on your attachment style.
Above I mentioned how important it was for you to implement a no contact rule. Well, it just so happens that how you perceive time during no contact is a perfect example to illustrate this point.
Generally a standard 30 day rule is what most of our clients implement first so let’s use that as an example.
Someone with a secure attachment will experience the 30 day no contact rule as 30 days.
Someone with an anxious attachment will experience the 30 day no contact rule as 3 months.
Someone with an avoidant attachment will experience the 30 day no contact rule as 7-10 days.
In other words, when your ex begins missing you is going to be different based on how they perceive time.
Our Findings On When Avoidant Exes Begin To Miss You
One of my favorite videos that I’ve ever filmed for my YouTube channel was a video I did called “How To Make An Avoidant Ex Miss You.”
I’m going to level with you. It’s rare for me to stumble across research that I haven’t heard about or considered before. However, when I began researching that video I stumbled across this site called “Free To Attach” and was blown away with some of the insights they presented about avoidant exes going through breakups.
Did you know that avoidant exes are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.
This basically means that it really isn’t until you “do the no contact rule the right way” which means you outgrow your ex and get over them that your ex will allow themselves permission to miss you.
It also perfectly describes the time dilation concept.
The reason avoidant exes take longer to miss you is because they naturally don’t give themselves permission to do so until you put forth some type of sign that you are over them.
Of course, how do you put forth that sign?
Employ The Gatsby Method
People like to make breakups complicated when they don’t really need to be.
If you boil every breakup down to its simplest parts it’s nothing more than one party informing the other party that they think they can find someone else to better meet their needs.
In other words, every breakup has its roots planted firmly in the grass is greener syndrome.
You know, that concept of your ex thinking the grass is greener on the other side of their relationship with you.
But it’s this next part that almost everyone misses.
For your ex the grass is always greener on the other side AT FIRST.
Consider a moment a situation where your ex boyfriend breaks up with you and immediately moves on to someone else.
At first that relationship with that new person may seem perfect. This is also known as the honeymoon period and what do we know about the honeymoon period.
I’ll give you a hint: it almost always wears off.
Only once that honeymoon period wears off does the real grass is greener comparisons begin.
But what if I were to tell you that there’s something you can do to dramatically improve the odds that your ex regrets their decision to break up with you.
What Is The Gatsby Method?
In 1921 F. Scott Fitzgerald published “The Great Gatsby”.
A harrowing tale of love, loss, partying.
It also gifted us with this meme from DiCaprio.
But if you boil that story down to its simplest components (spoiler alert) it’s a story about a man throwing the craziest parties imaginable to attract the woman he loves.
In other words, it’s a more sophisticated form of peacocking.
It’s also the inspiration behind one of the greatest strategies I’ve ever come up with called the gatsby method.
Here’s how it works.
The Gatsby Method: During a no contact rule you are going to post things on your social media that show your ex all the opportunities he is missing out on. You won’t be obvious about it but you will be assertive about it. You want them to think you are doing great without them.
Essentially you do with Jay Gatsby did to re-attract Daisy to him.
The key here is to show, don’t tell.
There’s nothing more annoying than talking to an ex who has a chip on their shoulder and has to prove how great they are doing without you by telling you how great they are doing without you.
Notice the gatsby method is all about showing your ex the missed opportunities they missed out on.
But what kind of missed opportunities should you show them?
The Rule Of Five
If you’re not familiar with my holy trinity concept then here’s a quick intro,
Basically it’s a simple way to divide your life up into three distinct categories,
The goal with the holy trinity should always be to achieve a balance between the three.
Now, I bring this up to you because “the holy trinity concept” is going to be essential for you to grasp in order to hit the rule of five.
What Is The Rule Of Five? : The five types of things you should be posting on your social media to achieve the gatsby method.
Here are the five things you should be posting on your social media. Usually you want to post one of these categories per day and once you get to the end of the category you start over from the beginning.
- Something related to health
- Something related to wealth
- Something related to relationships outside of your ex
- Something related to nostalgic reverie with your ex
- Something related to a passion you have
There’s really two of the five I want to hyper focus on.
The nostalgic reverie component can’t be obvious but it has to remind your ex of you during a good time in your relationship. Probably the lowest hanging fruit I can think of is a specific outfit you wore that he loved.
Take a picture of you going out with friends in it.
The second thing I’d like to focus on is what to post when it comes to your passion.
Believe it or not our next section is dedicated to this one concept.
Train Your Mindset So Your Ex Is No Longer Your First Priority
Probably the biggest mistake I’ve seen our clients make in the decade I’ve been at this would be that they get tunnel vision when it comes to their ex boyfriends. In other words, they get so focused on their ex that they fail to see all of the opportunities they have outside of their ex.
Yet when we interview success stories one thing I can’t help but notice is how they’ve shifted their mindset so that their ex is no longer their first priority.
Perhaps one of the most effective ways to do this is to identify and focus on your magnum opus.
Looking at a simple dictionary will tell you that a magnum opus is,
A large and important work of art, music, or literature, especially one regarded as the most important work of an artist or writer.
However, I’ve never really been a fan of that definition because I consider it to be too restrictive.
A true magnum opus knows no bounds. It’s not restricted to art, music or literature.
Instead, it’s all about legacy.
If you were remembered for one thing in this life what would it be?
Ideally it would be your magnum opus.
Something tells me that you don’t want to be remembered for your relationship with your ex when you pass away.
And therein lies the key to shifting your priorities.
You need to find something that you care about just as much as your ex.
I get that right now that may seem like a really difficult thing to do and making matters more complicated that thing can’t be your children.
It’s funny, I asked my wife what her magnum opus would be and she mentioned our daughter. However, after pressing her and telling her that she can’t use our daughter as her magnum opus she told me her dream. She wants to create a resource for parents to help them better understand the right way to raise children.
Admirable, also acceptable.
And so that’s what I’ve been pressing her to begin doing. Now a portion of her time is dedicated to creating a resource for parents that will do just that.
As for me, well you’d naturally assume that it would be to create a resource for broken hearted individuals but I’m actually not sure that’s what I want to be remembered for. I mean, I’ve sort of branded myself as a “relationship expert” but my goal is to write the next great dark fantasy series, under a pen name, and get it published.
So, every night, whenever I’ve finished my work and have time I spend time outlining and learning the craft of writing.
It’s something that I care deeply about.
It’s also of great priority.
So, here’s my question for you. What are you doing right now that you would prioritize more than your ex and this breakup? If you can’t think of anything then it’s time for some soul searching.
The Fear Of Missing Out Is Extremely Important
One of the things that I think sets my brand apart from the rest of my competitors is just the sheer amount of success stories I’ve had the opportunity to sit down with over the years and interview.
I literally have an entire playlist on my YouTube channel dedicated to these interviews I’ve done with the success stories.
Now, what you maybe don’t see with the success story interviews is what happens before we begin filming.
There’s this misconception that I don’t post success stories that don’t follow my program to a T and that’s simply not true. In fact, before we begin rolling the first thing I always tell the success stories is to tell me everything even if they didn’t use our program at all.
I’ve always viewed “getting an ex back” like an inexact science.
I can’t guarantee perfection but by studying real life people who succeeded I can begin to decipher the formula.
This approach has allowed my team and I to make adjustments to our overall strategies over the years based on patterns we have seen.
And one of the most interesting patterns we noticed occurred with the fear of missing out.
A lot of times when people obsess about “playing hard to get” or “making an ex miss them” they turn to different strategies that quite literally make them hard to get.
Sometimes this is as simple as implementing a no contact rule.
Other times this is more advanced like giving an ex mixed signals.
But we’ve found that if you truly want to give your ex FOMO (fear of missing out) vibes then your best bet is to actually go on a date with someone else.
Why We Actually Recommend You Go On A Date With Someone Else
Some may find this recommendation hard to swallow but we’ve been able to identify through our success stories that a lot of times making an ex regret their decision is a function of showing them you are a scarce resource.
You do this by actually going on a date with someone else.
Generally there’s two camps our clients fall into when we explain this to them.
- The Skeptical
- Those That Overcorrect
The skeptical are the most common type we run into.
This is the type of person that doesn’t want to go on a date and doubts it will help their cause. They have that tunnel vision we were talking about above with their ex and can’t see past them. So, asking these types of individuals to go on a date with someone new yields all kinds of fears.
- Will he think I’ve moved on? (You want him to)
- Will he hate me? (No, he’ll miss you)
- What if I don’t like my date (You’re missing the point)
I’m not asking you to find “the one” on this date. I’m asking you to go on a date with someone else and have fun.
Remind yourself what it’s like to be fawned over by another man.
Trust me it feels good when someone else finds your attractive.
Of course, then we have those who overcorrect.
These are the type of people who hear the concept of going on a date with someone else and immediately buy in. The problem is that they buy in so much that they overcorrect in how they display the fact they went on a date with someone else.
They rub it in their exes face.
Usually they do this with ridiculous social media posts that scream,
“Look how great I’m doing without you.”
If you haven’t learned the correct way to use jealousy then don’t use it at all.
Our Value Ladder Exists For A Reason, Use It
Remember above how I said that I’ve been doing this for almost a decade and how we’ve learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t work.
Well, our concept of a value ladder exists for a reason.
Yet every single day in our private facebook group we see people break it or skip it.
But let’s hit the brakes for a moment here.
What is a value ladder?
The systematic use of different methods of communication in a specific order designed to slowly make your ex realize your value and fall in love with you again.
In short, a value ladder is nothing more than a concept designed to explain the different types of communication you should be having with your ex and what order you should have them in.
Now, the value ladder is meant to be used only after you have successfully completed a no contact rule.
Generally there are five distinct methods of communications you are supposed to have with your ex.
- Calls, Skype, FaceTime, Video Chat
- Romantic Dates
- The Ask
Now the biggest issue we have is that the methods of communications I have listed above are supposed to be done in that exact order. Generally speaking if you skip a step you will end up failing.
Here’s how it’s supposed to work.
You build value on each individual level before you advance to the next one.
Yet the big problem we have with our clients is they get too eager for quick results and skip to the end to see those quick results.
Yet they don’t come.
Here’s all I’m going to say.
Our value ladder concept exists for a reason, use it!