In today’s post I’m going to explain why your ex boyfriend never seems to initiate contact.
If you use the advice laid out in this article not only will you gain a greater understanding of why your ex boyfriend doesn’t initiate contact with you but you’ll have a good idea of what to do to turn fortune in your favor.
Why Your Ex Boyfriend Never Initiates Contact
In my humble opinion there are five core reasons for why an ex boyfriend will not be the one to initiate contact after a breakup.
- They don’t want to seem too eager
- They truly believe you should be the one to contact them first
- You reaching out first has formed a habit
- Their avoidant tendencies overtake them
- They have no incentive to reach out first
Let’s take a few minutes and go through each of the core reasons so you have a greater understanding.
Core Reason #1: They Don’t Want To Seem Too Eager
I believe the cool kids call this “playing hard to get.”
But before I start describing what this looks like there is one “BIG” concept that we might have a disagreement on.
I personally believe that what matters more isn’t who starts a conversation but rather it’s who ends the conversation.
An argument can be made that the quality of the conversation matters as well but let’s not get too far off the beaten path.
So, here’s how you tell if this core reason is occurring.
Pay attention to the texting ratio.
I put together a handy graphic to help illustrate this for you.
As you can see there are three ratios to keep an eye out for.
- A 0 to 1+ Ratio
- A 1 to 1 Ratio
- A 1+ to 1 Ratio
Essentially what this means is how many text messages you are sending to your ex boyfriend compared to how many he is sending to you. Usually if your ex boyfriend is “playing hard to get” or not wanting to seem “too eager” the text message ratios will be good.
He’ll either match your texts with a text of his own (a 1 to 1 ratio)
He’ll send more texts to you than you send to him (a 1+ to 1 ratio)
If you aren’t seeing these types of ratios then it’s more likely that he’s simply responding to you to be nice or he isn’t interested in the types of topics you are bringing up.
Let’s move on.
Core Reason #2: They Truly Believe You Should Be The One To Contact Them First
I was 18 (I think) when I went through my very first breakup and I distinctly remember my first thought wasn’t of how sad or depressed I was. Instead, it was far more petty.
She’s going to have to contact me first
I literally treated it like a child would.
What’s funny is that as I have grown to gain more experience in this industry and had more success stories I’ve noticed that I’m not the only guy who has ever thought that way.
Take Jessy as a prime example.
I always use Jessy as my “go to” success story because she had such an awesome one.
But there’s one part of her interview that always stuck with me.
SHE had to reach out to him first. Now, in our program I will often tell women this and they’ll usually fight me on it (as Jessy did) but what sets Jessy apart was the fact that she actually reached out to her ex boyfriend first and quickly got him back.
After she got him back she literally asks him point blank
“Hey, why didn’t you contact me during the no contact rule?”
His response was a simple,
“I was waiting for you to reach out first.”
Sometimes no matter how perfectly you play your cards post breakup a guy won’t be the one to initiate because of pride. They build up this false concept in their heads that it’s the person who reaches out first who overextends and cares more.
In man speak,
The person who reaches out first is losing the breakup.
That’s not the truth though and I’ve proven that time and time again.
Of course, if you reach out first all the time something interesting happens.
Core Reason #3: You Reaching Out First Has Formed A Habit
I’m often quoting what I like to call “the habit rule.”
On average it’s going to take about 66 days to form a new habit. So, roughly over two months but it can happen as early as 18 days.
Let’s imagine for a moment that you desperately want your ex boyfriend back (not saying that you do but bear with me.) You eventually become so desperate to create momentum that you begin reaching out to him first to start conversations.
He responds to you but you’re the one that always has to initiate.
This goes on every day for a little over two weeks and the next thing you know he’s never initiating a conversation because a habit has been formed on two levels.
The first level starts from within. You get into the habit of reaching out first.
The second level starts from him. He gets used to expecting a text from you.
And you know what they say.
Old habits die hard.
Core Reason #4: Their Avoidant Tendencies Overtake Them
If you aren’t familiar with attachment styles then you are missing out on a huge building block for helping you understand your ex boyfriend after a breakup.
Here’s a quick crash course.
What I’d really like to talk about though with regards to why your ex boyfriend never initiates contact is those with avoidant styles.
We know from researching our audience that most of their exes are probably exhibiting avoidant tendencies.
This means that their exes highly value their independence and when someone or something comes along that begins to threaten that independence they tend to push that thing away. This bring us back to why your ex may not be initiating.
Above we established that men do play games in their head with regards to “winning the breakup.” The avoidant will certainly do this but to such a level that they believe it’s ok to respond to you but not necessarily reach out.
Reaching out implies “I like you” to them and their avoidant tendencies won’t allow them to admit that (just yet.)
Core Reason #5: They Have No Incentive To Reach Out First
This is something we’re going to talk about a lot when we start talking about how to get an ex boyfriend to initiate contact. A lot of men need incentive to reach out first.
Now, what do I mean when I talk about incentive?
Mostly you’re going to find your incentive within addiction. In other words, the more addicted you can make your ex when they talk to you the more likely they will be to reach out and start a conversation with you on their own.
The real question I suppose is how do you create that addiction?
Well, let’s dive even deeper.
What Factors Are Important For My Ex Boyfriend To Initiate Contact?
I can talk about texting and talking to an ex all day but I find no one ever has the patience for that.
If you do then I highly recommend you read through my 20,000 word + guide I put together on my largest website EBR going over “the texting rules.”
In my opinion getting an ex boyfriend to initiate contact with you is akin to mastering a formula and repeating it over and over in all mediums of communication.
If you’re confused at what “the zeigarnik effect” is or how you can have “meaningful” conversations don’t worry. That’s what we’re going to talk about next.
What Is The Zeigarnik Effect
The ziegarnik effect is probably the most powerful tactic you can use to help build momentum to ensure your ex boyfriend begins reaching out to you.
It’s a psychological concept by Bluma Zeigarnik who basically found that,
People remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
So, how does that apply to what we’re dealing with here?
Every conversation has a certain type of “flow” to it.
A high point and a low point if you will.
Charting it on a graph looks like this.
Do you see how a conversation starts and gradually builds to a high point but if you let it go on long enough it will begin to dissipate and die off.
The biggest mistake I see women make is getting too addicted to seeing a conversation through to the end when instead they should be focused on locating the high point and ending the conversation around it.
By doing so you can give your ex boyfriend incentive to reach out to you because to them it’ll feel like the conversation had no closure creating a kind of “cliffhanger effect.”
It’s the same principle television uses to get you to tune into the next episode. Of course, the zeigarnik effect really only works if you are able to create meaningful conversations with your ex.
Creating Meaningful Conversations With Your Ex Boyfriend
This is always a tricky thing to explain.
After all, manufacturing chemistry can’t really be done overnight. What I can do for you is show you one very simple tweak that can instantly make you more interesting to men in general.
I call it,
“The Why Vs. What Method.”
Here’s one simple fact that no one ever seems to mention. The single most interesting thing to your ex boyfriend is himself. Now, maybe that paints a pretty gloomy picture overall but I’ve found that to be true time and time again.
Well, I think there’s a certain desensitization that occurs throughout life. We think to ourselves,
“Oh, that will never happen to me.”
And we keep continuing on operating with that framework but the second it actually does happen to you it becomes that much more personal. It changes your perspective on the whole situation. It has a profound effect.
Because it’s happening directly to you.
And therein lies my thesis for having more meaningful conversations with your ex boyfriend. Instead of talking to him about surface level topics,
I challenge you to touch something deeper from within and you can do that by asking one simple question.
Imagine for a moment you’re talking to your ex boyfriend and he tells you that he’s an avid football fan.
The next obvious question you have is,
What team is your favorite?
It’s a what question and doesn’t lend itself well to touching that deeper part that he really wants to talk to you about.
So, he tells you that “The Dallas Cowboys” is his favorite team.
Ask him why.
That will force him to look deep within his soul for an answer.
He tells you that he became a Dallas Cowboys fan because it made him feel closer to his father when he was a child. That he would sit down every Sunday and cheer his heart out because for the first time in his life he had found something that he could share with his dad.
Your ex boyfriend might be shocked that he opened up to you on that level but it bonds the two of you together and all you had to do was ask one simple question.
Putting It All Together
So, here’s how it’s all supposed to work.
You engage with your ex boyfriend through meaningful conversations which causes the quality of the conversation to increase.
And just when your ex boyfriend starts enjoying himself you find a reason to end the conversation near the high point.
He may be disappointed initially but he craves another conversation with you.
Now, the biggest misconception women tend to have when they try this out is that it will work instantly.
However, if you stick to it and create a pattern eventually you’ll earn an authentic initiation from him because he wants to talk to you so badly.