Today I’d like to talk about the No Contact Rule and why I consider it to be the most important step in the process of getting your Ex Boyfriend back.
In fact, No Contact has been a defining factor in over 95% of the success stories in my Private Facebook Group that helps women get back with their Exes.
Today I’m going to show you what it is and how you can use it to see the same results as the women I work with.
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What Is The No Contact Rule?
Simply put, the No Contact Rule is a predetermined period of time where you cut off all communication with your Ex Boyfriend on purpose.
This means that you will not reach out or respond to them in any way for however long you decide to do your No Contact for.
To be clear, that means communication through the following are off limits.
- Text Messaging
- Phone Calls
- FaceTime
- Skype
- Snapchat
There are plenty more, that I can’t think of right now and I’m sure they’ll come up with new ways to keep in contact in the future. But you get the idea. They’re ALL off limits.
You are probably sitting there wondering why you should ignore your Ex Boyfriend after a breakup.
After all, what’s in it for you?
Well, believe it or not, the No Contact Rule has been proven to work extremely well when it comes to getting your Ex back because of the effects it has on them psychologically.
Why The No Contact Rule Always Seems To Work
I made a pretty bold statement when I started this article.
I said that close to 95% of my success stories in the Private Facebook Group have utilized some form of the No Contact Rule. When I say success I mean that the person actually got their Ex back.
But why does it work on Exes?
Where is the scientific or psychological evidence to back it up?
Well, I’ve actually found three concepts that can help explain why No Contact is so effective
- The Theory of Reactance
- The Information Gap Theory
- The Zeigarnik Effect
It’s best to view these three concepts, not as separate entities but parts of a whole,
These could each be explained separately and in extreme detail, but I’m going to summarize each concept briefly along with the psychological impact they have on No Contact.
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If I go too fast or you want more information, then, by all means, ask me in the comments below or let our team know through Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. I’d be happy to expand on them if anyone is interested.
The Theory of Reactance
Every human being is born with certain Behavioral Freedoms.
I have the freedom to choose to help women get back with their Exes or choose some other career path.
Here’s the thing, though. When someone tries to remove my freedom to choose… the stars align and require me to react.
Usually, I’ll react in a way that I think will get my lost freedom back.
This forms the basis of the Theory of Reactance.
So, when you implement No Contact with your Ex you are actually taking his Behavior Freedom away in a strange way.
According to the Theory of Reactance, he has to REACT when his Behavioral Freedom is threatened. Nine times out of 10 he will fight to get back that Behavioral Freedom of being able to talk to you.
That is the Theory of Reactance in a nutshell.
The Information Gap Theory
This is where things get really fun!
Essentially, The Information Gap Theory states that when something changes from a known state to an unknown state we become more curious. The less your Ex knows the more curious he’ll become.
Before the breakup with your Ex Boyfriend, you probably got into a Relationship Pattern.
For our purposes, a Relationship Pattern is simply falling into repetitive patterns and behaviors within a relationship.
While patterns have a lot of amazing applications they also have the pesky habit of being predictable and, let’s be real, a bit boring.
Because of these patterns, your Ex Boyfriend likely feels like he can anticipate everything you could possibly ever say or do.
The No Contact Rule is unpredictable from his perspective and he won’t be able to anticipate what you are going to do. It forces you to go against your natural instincts.
Initially, there might be some friction and anger… No Contact interrupts the pattern of what he considers normal and you’ll find that it draws him in and makes him curious about what you are up to without him.
The Zeigarnik Effect
Bluma Zeigarnik, a Russian psychologist, discovered one of the most important factors in understanding the No Contact Rule.
You see, one day when she was out to lunch she realized that her server remembered unpaid orders better than paid ones.
This got her thinking and she decided to test her theory regarding completed tasks versus uncompleted tasks.
Here’s what she found.
According to the Zeigarnik Effect, people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
After breakups, everyone seeks closure.
It’s just who we are as people and what we need.
By implementing a No Contact Rule you are denying your Ex Boyfriend the perfect closure he expects and causing his mind to stay on you rather than moving on.
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How Long Will The No Contact Rule Be After A Breakup?
Over the years my peers and I have endlessly debated the ideal time frame for the No Contact Rule.
There are tons of people all over the internet that have an opinion on this.
Go figure.
Some people will swear by a 30 day No Contact Rule.
Others will insist upon a 60 day rule.
Every once in a while you’ll run into someone who believes that the 90 day rule is best.
So, what’s the best time frame? How do you know who is right?
Well, the answer is a bit more complicated than you might believe.
You see, one of the things you learn really fast from Coaching thousands of people going through breakups is that everything is situational.
In other words, sometimes a 30 day rule is perfect for one client and could end up being horrible for another client.
Adaptation is the key to success when it comes to a breakup.
The No Contact Rule is no different.
In order for me to tell you how long No Contact should be after your breakup I would need to know your situation and how you have handles it so far.
So, when it comes to my recommendation, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to No Contact.
I recommend three standard lengths of time.
The Three Time Frames for No Contact
Before I tell you what the time frames are I want to make one thing very clear.
I didn’t just come up with these lengths of time off the top of my head. These time frames are the result of years of testing and seeing what results they yielded.
Over the years I’ve learned a lot of things.
One of which is that longer periods of No Contact tend to be less effective than shorter ones.
I’ve theorized that this is due to something I call The Habit Principle.
According to research, it takes around 66 days to form a habit. So, it stands to reason that it may also take 66 days to break a habit.
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If your Ex Boyfriend really wanted they could get out of the habit of thinking about you in 66 days.
This is the primary reason for why I don’t advise longer No Contact periods like 60 or 90 days.
That being said, let’s go ahead and address the question you are dying to ask. What are the ideal time frames that YOU should be looking at for YOUR No Contact?
The 21 Day Time Frame
The 30 Day Time Frame
The 45 Day Time Frame
Let’s take a moment and talk about these three time frames. I’ve actually noticed some really interesting patterns over the years.
My Thoughts On The 21 Day Rule
Generally speaking, I don’t start off recommending my clients do a 21 day rule. Instead, you’ll find that I usually recommend the 30 day rule almost exclusively.
However, what happens if you embark on a 30 day No Contact Rule and your Ex is sending you text messages like this non-stop.
Contrary to popular belief the goal of the No Contact Rule isn’t to torture your Ex Boyfriend.
The goal is to create a type of reset where you can be viewed as desirable again and the possibility of him falling for you again.
In the rare completely optimal case, I actually recommend shortening it to 21 days but again, this is very rare.
My Thoughts On The 30 Day Rule
The 30 day rule is by far the No Contact time frame that I recommend the most.
In fact, I’ve even gone as far as exclusively recommending it to clients in a majority of situations.
Think of the 30 day rule as the standard.
Honestly, there isn’t too much more to say about the 30 day rule.
It’s the go-to. If you’re not sure how long you should be doing No Contact
My Thoughts On The 45 Day Rule
This is by far the most controversial time frame you’ll hear me talking about. Most people I advise to do 45 days of No Contact push back… hard.
In my experience, there are two situations that it is ideal for:
- You’ve gone way overboard and begged and pleaded for your Ex back
- Your Ex has a rebound
I’m sure you expected me to say that about the going overboard thing. But I bet you weren’t expecting me to include him having a rebound.
I know, it shocked me too!
A few years ago I had a coaching client who was in a situation where her Ex Boyfriend literally broke up with her and moved in with another woman at the same time.
At first, I thought that she should go on the attack which meant doing a quick 21 day No Contact and starting to rebuild her Ex’s attraction to her.
It turns out that she had a lot of trouble with the No Contact Rule and hadn’t built up her confidence after her 21 days were up.
Instead, she decided to extend her No Contact period to be the 45 day rule.
This was a brilliant decision because it gave her Ex Boyfriend enough time to drop out from the honeymoon phase with the new girlfriend and my client ended up getting her Ex back.
More difficult situations take a little longer.
What Happens If You “Fail” At The No Contact Rule
Without a doubt, one of the biggest challenges that I find my clients face is simply getting through No Contact without breaking down.
It’s so easy to give in when you see your Ex Boyfriend texts you something like,
At a glance, most people assume No Contact Rule will be easy.
All you have to do is ignore your Ex for a predetermined amount of time. I say “all you have to do” like it’s easy and yet I estimate that for every ten clients that work with me eight of them will “fail.”
Now, what do you think I mean by that word?
Failing?
Simply put, it means that they break their period of No Contact before their time frame is actually up.
In other words, if you are doing a 30 day No Contact and you break it around day 14 it means that you have failed to achieve your initial goal.
Most of the people reading this will end up failing their No Contact.
I don’t say that to anger or frustrate you.
I say that because I’ve been doing this for over eight years now and 80% of people who try the No Contact Rule will end up failing.
This “failure” creates two very fascinating questions.
- What happens if you fail your No Contact period repeatedly?
- What are you supposed to do if you fail?
Let’s tackle question number one.
What Happens If You Fail Your No Contact Period Repeatedly
Here is something I don’t see many people talking about.
Contrary to popular belief, the number of times you have to attempt No Contact does matter.
Take a look at the graphic below,
This graphic clearly indicates that the more times you attempt the No Contact Rule the less effective it becomes.
Theoretically, you can claim that the first time your Ex Boyfriend is exposed to the No Contact Rule it is going to have the biggest impact.
But what happens if you try it and fail three times.
Chances are, that fourth time that your Ex is exposed to it, it isn’t going to pack the same type of punch.
A great example of this concept is by inserting yourself in a situation where you have to watch the same movie six times in a row.
The very first time you see the movie it’s going to have the biggest emotional impact.
The second time it may be pretty amazing as well. You might catch a few things you didn’t notice the first time around.
However, after round 3 and 4, you’ll be overexposed that those little moments don’t really strike you as amazing anymore. 5 and 6 will be downright torture.
You want another example?
Songs are perfect for this.
We’ve all got songs that impact us.
If you are anything like me, you’ll listen to a song you love endlessly… even to the point that you can’t stand it anymore.
The No Contact Rule is no different.
The more you expose your Ex to it the less effective it becomes.
What Are You Supposed To Do If You Fail The No Contact Rule?
This one is easy to answer.
When you fail No Contact, you simply have to start over from square one and try it again.
Of course, you’ll be doing that with the knowledge that this next attempt isn’t going to have as big of an impact on your Ex as opposed to your first attempt.
Most of my peers will have you believe that it’s okay to fail the No Contact Rule but I actually think that is false.
It’s not okay to fail at your No Contact period.
If you honestly believe that you can fail fifteen times and still have the same odds of success with your Ex then you are incredibly mistaken.
Timing does matter here.
Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.
What You Should Be Doing During Your No Contact Period
One of my pet peeves is when a client comes to me and tells me they haven’t done anything productive with their time away from their Ex.
They’ve just been sitting and waiting on their Ex to decide to come back. Usually they focus all of their efforts on pining, whining, and self-destruction.
Another misconception is that the No Contact Rule is the only thing they need to do to get their Ex back after a breakup.
For years I’ve been trying to explain in my Coaching Sessions that you need to view this entire process of winning an Ex back like a puzzle.
The No Contact Rule is a singular puzzle piece.
You aren’t going to “complete” a puzzle with just one piece.
It’s kind of an inception thing, though. No Contact is a complex piece that is made up out of several other pieces.
You know, the whole dream within a dream concept except here it’s a puzzle within a puzzle.
No Contact can only be successful when you can do the following things:
- Pick the perfect time frame for your situation; 21, 30, or 40 days
- Stay disciplined and productive; ignore your Ex for the entirety of it
- Cultivate perfect image you want your Ex Boyfriend to see from afar
Each of these things make up the “No Contact” piece that fits into the bigger puzzle. Only after you combine these three can you claim that you’ve done a “No Contact Rule.”
Thus far, we’ve really only covered the first two of those smaller pieces.
In this section, I am going to be talking about the third one.
What Do I Mean When I Say “Cultivate Your Ideal Image?”
We live in the age of social media.
Concepts like “Facebook creeping” or “Facebook stalking” are new.
And like any new concept you’ll find that scientists and graduate students are studying the impact social media has on our lives when it comes to dating.
In 2012 a graduate student named Veronica Lukacs performed a study where she found that 88 percent of Exes “stalk” their former partners on Facebook.
This research has actually been backed up by my experience with coaching clients.
Chances are if you post something on your most prevalent social media accounts your Ex Boyfriend is going to find out about it.
So, having this knowledge wouldn’t it be a good idea to post things and cultivate your ideal image?
Most people make the gigantic mistake after a breakup of posting things like,
- Sad Songs
- Sad Status Updates
- Passive Aggressive Digs At Their Partner
Instead of doing things like that wouldn’t it be a better idea to literally post things that your Ex would miss or find attractive?
Better yet, wouldn’t it be a smart idea to post things that challenge your Ex Boyfriends preconceived notions of what you are.
I’ll give you an example.
Let’s say your Ex Boyfriend always hated the fact that you were a homebody.
A great way to combat this is to post things on your social media accounts like pictures of you going out with your friends and having a great time,
Alterations To The No Contact Rule
One thing you’ll learn very quickly about No Contact is that it is very situational.
I made a comment a few thousand words ago about how the point isn’t about making your Ex Boyfriend angry.
Certain people will find themselves in situations where the No Contact Rule seems like it is impossible to pull off without being a total jerk to your Ex.
Off the top of my head, those situations can include,
- Living with your Ex Boyfriend
- Going to school together
- Working with your Ex
- Raising children together
- Exchanging items
- Accidentally running into your Ex
- Shared bank accounts
Now, when I first started out in this business I had a pretty strict “never change the length of your No Contact period no matter what” policy.
Experience has taught me the importance of adaptability.
What I’d like to do is take each one of the situations i mentioned above and briefly explain how you need to slightly alter your No Contact period if you find yourself in any of those situations.
Living With Your Ex Boyfriend
Living together with an Ex may seem like a disadvantage when it comes to executing the No Contact Rule and in a way that is true.
However, like most things in life, there are advantages to go along with the disadvantages.
You won’t be able to perform a normal No Contact Rule in this particular circumstance. Instead, I recommend my clients implement Limited No Contact.
Limited No Contact: Essentially the same concept as the No Contact Rule except you are allowed to break it to briefly have conversations with your Ex if they are the one to reach out first and you deem the conversation to be ABSOLUTELY essential.
You should only ever implement a Limited No Contact as a last resort.
Here’s a brief overview of how it works.
You are forced to live with your Ex in an apartment after your breakup together. You’ve long heard about the benefits of a No Contact Rule but don’t see how you can implement No Contact if he is there all the time. How do you handle bills or shared living areas?
So, you decide to implement Limited No Contact.
You begin by ignoring your Ex through text, phone calls, and even social media.
However, you can’t avoid him in person and every once in a while in your apartment he tries to strike up a conversation.
In this circumstance, you CAN engage.
I know, it’s exciting, right
You want the conversation to be pleasant but short.
Now, you may be sitting there and wondering if Limited No Contact can be as effective as the actual No Contact and the truth is that it isn’t.
It’s a slight alteration to the original rule but that doesn’t mean that it won’t work.
It’s just going to have less of an impact.
Going To School With Your Ex Boyfriend
In this particular situation you may find yourself wondering if the No Contact Rule is even possible.
If you read the section above about living with your Ex you may immediately jump to the Limited No Contact Rule as a possible fix for this situation.
That would be a false assumption.
In this particular circumstance, I think you can pretty much stick to the No Contact Rule without any alterations having to be made.
The one exception is if the two of you have to work on a project together.
In this particular circumstance you want to adopt a Limited No Contact Rule.
Remember, keep your conversations short, simple, and stay on topic.
Working With Your Ex Boyfriend
Working together can always be tough to figure out but there are very specific things you can do.
In this situation you can adopt a form of Limited No Contact.
Again, if you don’t know what that is… check out the definition above.
What I’d like to really go into here are some of the specific things you can do to increase your value in his eyes if you work with your Ex.
- Don’t be afraid to lightly flirt with others in front of your Ex
- Keep all conversations you have with your Ex about business
Let’s tackle that first part.
In some cases, my clients have seen great success with lightly flirting with other coworkers or customers in front of their Ex.
I emphasize “lightly” because sometimes I’ve actually seen this backfire so it’s one of those things you need to be careful doing.
The other concept I’d like to get through your head is looking at situations where you’re forced to communicate with your Ex during Limited No Contact.
In this particular situation, I want you to stay on topic and keep all of your conversation about business.
Raising Children With Your Ex Boyfriend
The remedy here is pretty simple.
You are allowed to communicate with your Ex 100% of the time if they reach out to get essential information about your children.
I once had a client who took the No Contact Rule to heart and ignored her Ex after he had to rush their children to the hospital and reached out to her to tell her about it. That doesn’t go over too well.
DO NOT DO THIS.
The well being of your children is more important than your relationship with your Ex Boyfriend.
Trust me.
Exchanging Items
Exchanging items is another situation where I recommend that my clients can actually break No Contact.
Pretend for a minute that you are seven days into a 30 day No Contact.
Around day seven your Ex reaches out to you with this text,
What are you supposed to do?
Well, the first thing I tell all of my clients who are in a situation like this is how important are the items your Ex wants to exchange?
Does it warrant breaking the No Contact Rule?
A toothbrush doesn’t warrant breaking the No Contact Rule.
A birth certificate does.
If you do deem that the “items” in question are important enough to break No Contact, then you can break the No Contact Rule to set up an exchange and then after that exchange you continue No Contact Rule.
Accidentally Running Into Your Ex Boyfriend
I really mean accidentally here.
Over the years I’ve had a lot of coaching clients who claim they accidentally ran into their Ex when in reality I knew they were stalking their Ex.
So, how do you handle accidentally running into your Ex?
Remember our motto for this section.
When you run into your Ex the goal is to be confident and non-confrontational, not to be rude and make your Ex Boyfriend angry.
If you see your Ex across the street it’s okay to wave or say hi, but don’t run over and strike up a full-blown conversation if you can help it.
Another tactic you can try is to casually mouth “hi” and go about your day.
I’ll be honest, there is something about a woman doing this is incredibly sexy and that is definitely how you want your Ex to view you.
Handling Shared Bank Account
We will stick to our Limited No Contact here.
You are allowed to communicate with your Ex about the shared bank accounts and work out a resolution there.
However, ensure that, that’s all you are talking about. And remember, the idea is to avoid conflict.
Remember, keep it strictly business.
To Wrap It All Up
Okay, so let’s review.
- No Contact is the key to getting your Ex back. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
- Depending on the situation you are in, your No Contact can be either 21, 30, or 45 days long.
- And there are some circumstances that allow you to modify No Contact to be a Limited No Contact, such as:
- Living with your Ex Boyfriend
- Going to school together
- Working with your Ex
- Raising children together
- Exchanging items
- Accidentally running into your Ex
- Shared bank accounts
- In these instances you only interact with your Ex if you have to. You just have keep things short, sweet, and positive. And you don’t stray from the topic that fits the situation, whether it’s business, your kids, or your finances.
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